June Again
Last year right around this time, I took a moment to reflect on the school year, and am so glad I did. Usually, I limp across the finish line in June feeling very little other than spent. June bleeds into July and by then, those last weeks of school are nothing but blur. I’m not sure if there is an entire story arc stretching from September to June, but certainly countless beginnings and endings scattered along the road. Most of the time, I’m just too busy to notice.
When I held my first son almost thirteen years ago, pressed my nose into his downy head, inhaling, I thought to myself, I will never forget this. Ever. I will remember every moment. It didn’t take long (probably three or so sleepless months) for the sad understanding to sink in. That I would forget most of this. That one day ran into the next, ran into the next week, the next month, and year. Most nights, I’d collapse in bed, bone weary, dreamless, and pick up where I left off, sometimes before sunrise. The tide pulled out, washing away the day before.
I was looking back on old posts (like this one and this one), feeling ever so grateful to have a record someplace that this all happened. Pictures capture life, but for me, not like writing it. Writing them down is like catching fireflies in a mason jar, only these stay alive, and somehow become even brighter as time passes. If writing means tasting life twice, I have found without fail, it tastes even better the second time. There is a sweet spot between living and writing about living. When I’m too busy doing, I can hardly breathe. When I’m watching the rain out the window in my quiet house, pulling up my chair to the feast of losses life can bring, fingers tapping keys, I can drown, too. I need both. One makes the other better. There’s a kind of faith I’ve garnered from writing some of it down. I get to choose what to keep.
Mothering babies called for holding on: hold their head to support their neck, their hand while they learn to balance on their feet, cross the street. Holding tight became like breathing. I had an urgency back then, of wanting to hold onto it all, keep it close, keep them little for as long as possible. One can’t go on like that forever, though. Sustenance and dominion give way, over time, to surrender. I will go, in the course of twenty years or so, from not knowing where one of us begins and the other ends, to a house with three empty bedrooms. From eating food off their clothes (I can’t be the only one) and wiping their butts, to being a guest in their homes.
Now, having walked through nearly thirteen years of holding close and letting go, my grip has loosened. Whatever those muscles are that a mother uses daily to hold them tight and push them out the door all at once, mine have become more supple. Not without aching, of course, but they do seem to know what to do. I get to sit back some, and marvel at who they are becoming.
As you can probably imagine, I read this through floods of tears. The ever-changing dance between holding on and letting go, that really defines motherhood, doesn’t it? Sigh. Thank God I have eloquent kindred spirits like you to help me see that as I go. Thank you. xo
Beautiful, Erin. Thank you!
Wow!!! Balling… Inappropriately balling at work
I think technically you’re still postpartum
Erin-This entry reminds me how much I enjoy your writing. Having sent my oldest off to college this year, you really nailed my feelings, even though that event is still in your future. Thanks for a beautiful piece. Robin Bidner
I love your writing Erin! Thanks for sharing it with us!
Oh, how TRUE it is that we cannot possibly remember everything though we think we will. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been convinced (despite past evidence suggesting otherwise) that I would always know the feeling of a certain moment.
And also so true that we need to let go anyway . . . let our little people change and grow.
Lovely.
“The tide pulled out, washing away the day before.”….how beautiful that sentence is! You paint a picture with your words Erin, I have always thought so! It it possible that I can smell your words too?
I absolutely needed this today. Not that I don’t love doing everything possible for my family. I do. But today I am being pulled by too many tugs. They are all good tugs, but tugs nevertheless. This piece made me smile, so thank you.
this mama thing is bittersweet and painful and frustrating and so full of joy…it’s being mama to these littles that let taught me much more than i ever expected.
beautiful post!
What a gorgeous blog, love the stacks of books. Really well done.
“i get to choose what to keep.” today was the first day i had a moment to read what you write. it is a delight. truly…
Thank you so much, Cari. I’ve enjoyed seeing your beautiful designs. So appreciate you reading.